


The Catalyst and the Catharsis

by Jirubee (stardustcatharsis)



Category: InuYasha - A Feudal Fairy Tale
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst and Feels, Angst and Humor, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Comfort/Angst, Confessions, Denial of Feelings, Developing Relationship, Drug Addiction, Eventual Smut, F/M, Falling In Love, Implied/Referenced Drug Use, Rough Sex, Twisted and Fluffy Feelings, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-07-18
Updated: 2018-07-17
Packaged: 2019-06-12 05:36:37
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 9,327
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15332943
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/stardustcatharsis/pseuds/Jirubee
Summary: Growing weary of his girlfriend Kikyo's addiction, Inuyasha is torn over developing feelings for her sister and how his decisions will affect their lives. AU. M.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This started in 2017.   
> It's unfinished and I'm currently still writing for this when I can.   
> I'll be posted all of the chapters I have completed and then *try* to be on a posting schedule.   
> I suffer from severe depression and anxiety, and a few other sprinkles of things I won't delve into, but this has been something important to me and very cathartic to write.   
> Hopefully you guys that still read IY fiction will enjoy this bit. ♡

 

Cold, chipped, pastel green tiles spread across the walls like a disease as an expiring florescent bulb expunged its last breaths. The mirror reflected it twice fold as a young woman - somewhere in her late twenties - smeared blood across her porcelain face. Her pupils were wired, dark eyes sunken as she blinked away the moisture creasing her lashes. Her nose was still bleeding on one side, and the crook of her thumb caught what it could.

The euphoria spilling through her body looked a lot more beautiful in contrast to the starkness of the public restroom. She felt her body's electrical current bloom as though a galaxy was born in her and time sped up.

She lolled her head back, spilling into her inky cradle of hair. She let out an aching laugh as the music from the outside beat its way into the partition.

Her skin reverberated against the bass and she casually looked down at the dirty sink with a crookedly rolled note. The currency was stained. It was used many times and was flakey from the dried blood.

Idly, she blotted the excess from her face and cleaned up her mess. She was truly alive. She knew it. For the next little while she would be consumed by that snowy powder, and she relished in it.

Before she left the calm of the bathroom, she held her breath and placed her long fingers on the latch - knowing all too well that her boyfriend already knew what she had done.

"Well, you can brush it off and carry on. There's nothing in your purse, pocket, or person." The woman smiled weakly, pressing on the sweetest face she could muster.

The sheer volume of the music billowing through the small venue opened her ears and pulsed through her stomach as she wound her way through throngs of people. At the dimly lit bar, she found him.

He was drinking a whiskey, as he was so privy to do. And he smiled warmly at her beneath the patchiness of his graying stubble. "You took a long time, are you alright?" He eyed the lanky woman idly, quirking a thick brow.

The woman nodded, chewing on the tip of her thumb nail, eating away at the residual cocaine. "Inuyasha, I swear I'm fine. Are you almost ready to go home? It's getting kind of late." She countered, watching his hands feather his long peppery hair in dismay.

Rolling his eyes, he downed his whiskey and grabbed his leather coat from the neighboring stool. "Mind telling me why since this was your idea, anyway." The man rasped, staring at the flickers of neon light that strobed over her pallid face.

She batted her eyes back at him, coyly dismissing the fact her heart felt like exploding and her stomach was turning as she stared at the discoloration of his eyes, the ones that could see through stone.

"I just wanted it to be the two of us. This place is crowded and too loud!" She exclaimed, something she rarely did.

Inuyasha shook his head and took her hand, and felt something wet in her palm. Instead of looking or making a scene - which, he did have a tendency of doing - he waited until they had passed through the waves of patrons and made their way to the mouth of Shinjuku.

"Kikyo, why is your hand so wet?" He asked idly, somehow already knowing the answer as the cool breath of winter nipped at his exposed skin.

The woman pulled away, holding her hand as though she were injured. She breathed a plume of her body heat into the night and shook her head. "My hand is fine."

Inuyasha reached into his pocket for a cigarette and let out a heaving sigh. "You honestly think I don't know what you did? What you've been doing? You're not clean." He said harshly, watching her body begin to quake.

She didn't cry. No, she was too reserved to show him how upset she really was. "I've been doing very well, thank you. I only do it on special occasions and I don't have a problem." She said as passively as she could.

The man stared towards the illuminated city before him and closed his eyes. This had been going on for the last year of their relationship. She would do better, fall off, do better, then she would be completely gone.

It had taken a toll on him. He felt withered and old in comparison. He had his own fair share of problems and addictions but nothing quite like that. Kikyo was a skilled dancer and was primed for so many opportunities and gave it away for her addiction.

She would sell her clothing, furniture, borrow money, steal from certain people occasionally and it had become too overwhelming. Loving her was easy, but staying to love her was a dutiful job that required his full attention in order to protect her; especially from her own willfulness.

As he flicked his cigarette into the crosswalk, he let out a sigh. The fire was burnt out, the arguments were over. The disappointment wasn't disappointing anymore, and the promises were just pretty little words that spilled out of her mouth.

She was dragging him to hell with her, and he really couldn't stop it. She'd bat those dark eyes, and run her fingers through his long hair and use that smooth voice to fill up any void she came across.

But as he looked at her, watching the hollows of her cheeks sinking into canyons and the light in her eyes dimming, he knew that she was dying.

He couldn't send her back to rehab. He couldn't send her away again, or fucking make her help herself and conquer the disease living inside of her.

Even now, as they passed by a strip of centrally located apartments and their neon lights, he could see her becoming more and more lifeless as she moved less gracefully than she ever had.

He wondered who she had gotten it from this time, if she had paid for it or slept with someone for it, if she had done too much, if she had more.

And then as his bootclad feet hit the sidewalk, he turned to the woman and gripped her hand. "Do you have any more?" He said quietly.

Kikyo blinked. Furrowing her brows, she shook her head profusely, "No, Inuyasha. Why?"

The man scoffed and let a sardonic smile crawl along his lips. "Maybe I want some." He said as a matter of factly.

The woman felt anger building in her fragile body. She pursed her lips and stared incredulously. "You know how I feel about you saying that!" She seethed , still more calmly than anyone he'd ever met.

"That's how it feels, Kikyo. While you live in your imaginary world for thirty minutes, I'm watching you dissolve into nothing. " He said darkly, standing before her with his head resting close to hers. He inspected her features for a moment before turning away.

"Take me to my sister's. I'm not coming home with you." Kikyo said, as though she were too helpless to walk there the two blocks alone. Though deep down she knew that he would never leave her alone, truthfully. Even though they weren't truly together anymore, or were they? She didn't even know anymore.

He had flinched at the notion and she knew exactly why. Her heart would sink lower into her chest if she let it, but she ignored the small flush on the man's face and hid her disdain for her sister as she sniveled against the cold.

It was better than being alone with her thoughts all night. And better than being scolded like a child, when she obviously was not. Inuyasha didn't drive her to this, though he felt like he did.

The woman's depression ate at her as though it was a creature marring her very being until she could no longer recognize herself. She was often stoic, quiet, a shadow of her former self and she felt the vast valley flood in between the two of them.

Everything blurred together and days felt like weeks and months. She knew that Inuyasha was too pure at his core and the very warmth of the hand that she held was so foreign now. She had tampered with something so very dangerous and absolved to listen to its siren song. The repercussion of her decisions left a sadness looming over her lithe frame as they walked.

She fought the wave of chills that slithered just beneath the surface of her skin as she listened to the man's preaching. He was not perfect, though he was much more alive and in tune with himself than she was.

They had been together off and on for five years. Five long, wonderfully turbulent years.

And as they found themselves weaving through a small alleyway, near a set of smooth concrete steps and twinkle lights, she knew that she would be faced with her sister.

A deepening sense of unrest swatted at the woman as she noticed the man next to her change expression. He didn't have to say anything. She could see it on his face, in his eyes as they surmounted the obstacle to ring the tiniest of doorbells.

Kagome lived in a tiny, cute apartment. She was lively, rambunctious and two years younger. She clenched her jaw at the yellow light peering through the small curtain to obstruct outsiders from seeing into Kagome's abode.

It had small flecks of sequins sewn into a lavender fabric with crescent moons and interwoven wands. Kikyo silently scrutinized the damned fabric as she rolled her eyes to Inuyasha and watched him fidget with the collar of his jacket.

He was nervous. Not like the nauseating nervousness that ate at her. She was coming down and felt like the world was crushing her bones into ash.

She had never known for sure if anything had happened between Kagome and Inuyasha, but it always seemed as though it had.

He seemed impatient as he rang at the doorbell again, slightly fumbling on his feet for her to answer. Kikyo's bloodshot eyes absorbed all of this and she sighed in relent, which garnered the retrieval of her hand in his once more.

After a few moments, the sound of feet pattering against the wooden floor became louder and louder. When the latch moved, Inuyasha's grip tightened as they were greeted by Kagome's cherubic face and rosy cheeks.

She was wearing a pair of head phones around her neck and her hair high in a ponytail as the scent of food permeated through the alleyway. She looked taken-a-back, "This is a surprise!" The girl said, pressing a crooked smile across her face.

Inuyasha could barely look at the girl, yet he held Kikyo's hand in the air. "I have a drop off." He said nonchalantly, as though the woman couldn't speak for herself.

Kagome waved them in and gestured at the small kitchen near the entrance, "I'm making dinner if you're hungry." She said, welcoming them into the warmth of her home. "Sango-chan won't be home until late, so it'll be nice to have the company."

Kikyo glowered beneath her smooth bangs as they ushered themselves in. She slipped off her heels and slide off her heavy red coat and took a seat at the table.

She felt like she'd been thrown from a cliff, and felt every bone in her body ache. Her eyes glistened beneath the low hanging cheap chandelier as she watched Kagome slide across the floor to the stove.

"What are you two doing tonight? It's always nice when you come by. I haven't seen you for a while. I hope everything's been okay." The girl said idly, brushing her hands on a yellow apron their mother had bought her for Christmas.

Kikyo chewed at her lip as she looked over her shoulder at Inuyasha as he sprawled out on the girl's couch like he lived there. "I've been great. I got a new job offer at my company and I went out to celebrate." She said, reaching to the fridge handle from her chair. Like hell she was getting up because the room was spinning.

"Congratulations." Kagome nodded, gliding to the fridge as she swatted Kikyo's hand away, already knowing she would want orange juice, a yogurt and three saltines. After a binge, Kikyo always had to have the holy trinity.

Kagome never said a word about it. She couldn't change it, and just made her as comfortable as possible until she either passed out or vomited. "I'm really proud of that. Have you been eating enough? I saw Sota last week and he sure has been." She chuckled, setting down her sister's juice.

Inuyasha opened his mouth to say something, and Kagome just shot him a knowing glance, which shut up him.

"Not really, too be honest. I haven't had much of an appetite." Kikyo smirked, wriggling her nose. It itched. It felt like the blood had dried and left her sore and raw. "Besides, I'm at that age where I'll start losing my girlish figure. Men don't like to be around women that don't take care of themselves."

Kagome sighed, and knew it was a shot at the man in the living room. She let it go in one ear and out the other as she poured broth into the pot and mixed in a thick blob of hot chili paste.

"Did you want to stay here tonight?" She asked, already knowing that one night would turn into two or three while she recovered.

Inuyasha scoffed and pulled out his phone to check the time and noticed a text message lighting up his screen and he quirked a soft smile at it. "She is. I'll be going soon so you can bond or some shit. Whatever girls do."

Kagome glanced at him, "Seriously? I know you're going to stay long enough to eat." She teased as nonchalantly as she could, watching Kikyo's expression waver.

"You know I'm not passing up free food." He replied, shifting to his side to get a better view of the girl. He smiled crookedly, the light making his heterochromia more noticeable.

Kagome felt her cheeks grow darker as she turned her attention towards the sink, though her reflection in the window displayed her nervousness quite vividly.

At a certain point, Kikyo skidded back in her chair and grabbed her glass of orange juice. "I'm going upstairs and laying down. I guess call me or come get me whenever you decide you're done flirting with my boyfriend."

Her tone never changed. She seemed indifferent as she deliberately walked up the ten steps to the bathroom, where she shut the door just as methodically behind her.

Kagome went slack and rested her hands on the edge of the sink. She hated when Kikyo came over. It was the same every time, like clockwork. No one had to tell her, she already knew the ups and downs of living with the woman and how to handle her falls from grace.

Inuyasha stared at the woman from the corner of his eye and barely registered that he was breathing. He wanted to say something but he quickly averted his eyes to his phone and opened the text Kagome had sent.

It wasn't salacious. It wasn't expectant. It was just a simple, "Hey, I haven't seen you in a while. You should come say hello some time."

He licked his chapped lips and swallowed as he pushed himself from the couch. His long sleeve shirt was rolled up to his elbows and his mess hair fell around his face. It was an attempt to hide the embarrassment on it as he cleared his throat and took a seat at the table.

Kagome tried to ignore him, listening intently for the toilet to flush or for the sound of Kikyo moving rooms, but it was ultimately silent.

"Is it bad again?" She asked in a hushed tone, finishing up the noodles she had dropped in the pot.

Inuyasha snorted, "Fuck if you only knew."

Kagome nodded, feigning an awkward smile. "I do know. I know very well. And I know that this situation, the whole thing, is way out of hand."

Inuyasha cupped his cheeks watching her. He'd been over a few times alone and talked to the girl about Kikyo and then this that and the other. He'd grown to enjoy her company, and enjoyed the optimism she held.

She was so vastly different from Kikyo, even though they had a plethora of similarities. Kagome was like the patches on a patchwork quilt that needed to be used and Kikyo was the quilt that needed to be mended.

Seemingly, you couldn't have one without the other or something would falter. Yet, as he waited listlessly for dinner to be done, he was melancholy.

He felt like a forlorn character in a Western film, or something - one of those bullshit dramas about growing up or whatever.

He was thirty-four years old, unwed, in limbo with his somewhat significant other, and was uncertain about his feelings on that subject.

Kagome had listened to his hopes and dreams and the betterment of her sister. She was so encouraging even though it killed her inside. The way she looked at him, the way she soothed his emotional wounds, the kinship they had built over the destructive habits of a loved one were all indicative of something, but he didn't know what.

And that made him feel guilty.

Yet, as he looked up the stairs and saw Kikyo wiping her mouth off, still carrying her orange juice, he knew that he couldn't live with this much longer.

She had a little more color to her cheeks and a looser fitting t-shirt on and lounge pants instead of her fitted designer jeans. Kikyo seemed human then. Very vulnerable, malleable almost. She could be molded into anything but her beauty was fading. Not physically, but the internal embodiment became less and less enthralling, no matter how much he loved her.

Kagome had tried to cut through the awkwardness with dinner and entertained them with stories about her nursing job, and the less than good dates she'd had. Inuyasha noted it was the first time he had seen Kikyo genuinely smile in a long time, and he relished that moment.

She was still a wonderful girl. She had all of the potential in the world, all of the brains and brawn to defeat any obstacle save for that one.

And it broke his heart as though she'd died. He'd tucked her in upstairs in the adorably decorated spare bedroom and cracked the window for air, kissed her, told her loved her and waited for her to fall asleep.

He always did that. He'd done for years. No matter what the circumstance, whether he agreed, or not, he made sure she never felt as alone as he did. As he brushed his calloused fingers through his hair, he stared longingly out the window and closed his eyes. The cool breeze that rolled in from the crack in the pane soothed his tired skin.

He felt more like a caretaker than a lover to the girl and relented to his role. How could he leave her without helping her more? He'd struggled for months over the decision and he couldn't resolve it.

Shaking his head, the man forced himself up and headed gingerly downstairs. He found Kagome sitting in the living room floor reading a book.

She was dressed sloppy, too busy and enthralled to care what she looked like as she enjoyed herself, smiling at the pages beneath her vision.

A frown etched itself on his face as he grabbed the jacket off the back of the burgundy sofa. "I'm heading out. Thank you for everything."

Kagome snapped up and waved her hands, "It's fine, I promise. I'll get over the drama one day." She sighed, inspecting his face as though she could find the answers buried in it. "I-I'm actually really glad you came. I haven't seen you in a while and it-it was nice." She continued, rubbing a hand on her arm hesitantly.

There was tension. There had been tension. Sango had mentioned it before, and then left it in the open. Kagome's large doe eyes were perplexed and ignited with a semblance of fear and uncertainty.

And Inuyasha's expression exasperated her because he was so difficult to read. He stood tall against her shorter frame and she looked up at him adoringly, and didn't exactly hide it.

She felt a well of emotion inundate her as they danced around saying their goodbyes.

Closing her eyes, she felt his heavy arms wrap around her abruptly. He smelled nice, woodsy with a hint of a cigarette resting in his hair. She didn't mind it. Her arms gripped to his back as she felt her skin flush.

They stood in silence as the front door began to jiggle, ripping them from their brief embrace.

"You better go." Kagome said quietly, clearing her throat as Inuyasha exhaled sharply.

He chewed at his lip and threw on his coat in haste and pressed his lips into some formation similar to a smile or a grimace, she couldn't tell. "Thank you, again. I'll, uh, come by tomorrow and make sure she's okay." He rasped.

Sango had heard him and waited for a moment before she pushed the door open and smiled brightly as she throw her lab coat over her shoulder.

She pardoned herself while the man exited, leaving her dark eyes firmly planted on her roommates colorless face.

Sango began deconstructing herself as Kagome plopped down on the couch with her heart in her throat and her head clasped in her hands. "I am the worst person in the world, Sango."

Her large, gray eyes closed as she shook her head.

Sango bit her lip, "For your sake, for your sanity, for your wellbeing and you-know-who, you've got to distance yourself from this whole big ole situation." Her arms feathered outward in exaggeration as she shucked her purse on the tabletop.

Kagome reached into her pocket and stared at a solitary text and she sighed. It was bereft. Simple, and very poignant.

"I'm sorry for always putting you in the middle of our problems."

"Goddammit." Kagome hugged a cushion and buried her face in it. She was the babysitter, the nurse, the mother, the best friend, the therapist, the almost. And being almost of anything was worse than having Fate hand you a deck made of the same cards.


	2. Nothing Hurts More Than Being Sober

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Guilt and desperation and something else.

A plume of smoke curled out of Inuyasha's mouth as he leaned off the balcony. He hadn't been able to sleep, more or less because of his poor decision making skills on both parts. His mismatched eyes were tired, withered from exhaustion and the cold.

It was early.

So early that he beat sun on its journey to wake up the country. He stood asking in the pale, dusty morning as the neons faded with the impeding light what he should have, could have done differently by this point in his life.

He'd long since showered, had two cups of black coffee and some cereal.

Closing his eyes, he thought back to Kagome for a moment and how she felt. It wasn't the first time he'd hugged her, nor would it be the last.

He let out a regretful sigh and rubbed his face after dabbing his cigarette in the ashtray. He'd been sitting on those feelings for a while and every time he saw her, it reminded him of exactly why he regarded them.

More than likely, he knew he'd jerk off in the shower and pretend that he had never sullied her image and feel the immense guilt that came along with it.

His roommate had given him trite advice on the subject, which he ignored instantaneously. Miroku was a great many things, but was not the most morally sound. Then again, the man shrugged, who was nowadays anyway?

Things weren't simple.

They could have been, but the gravitational pull of his tempestuous relationship with Kikyo had dampened his hopes of finding absolution.

For so many years, Kikyo was all he wanted. She was everything he could have wanted. How many sleepless nights would he have? Maybe if he married her she would get the hint that he wanted her around.

He was getting too old for this. Having to weigh marriage to resolve a drug problem was pretty much setting himself up, and her for that matter, for impending failures and problems.

Kagome was still a complex woman, but she seemed so much more functional in contrast to her sister.

He didn't know how to feel about her.

She was physically beautiful, but the way her mind fluctuated with her words and movements seemed to be the most captivating part of her.

She'd crinkle her nose, wave her hands, and say things that sounded like words from a book. She was unpredictable in those senses and from the times he'd stayed at her little apartment and talked with her, she'd garnered his attention fully until he lost track of time.

Closing his eyes, Inuyasha gave up and let his depression wrap him in a cocoon.

He didn't allow himself to show up at Kagome's that day, or text her. He didn't hear from Kikyo either, which had been a good sign.

A man's favorite mantra: No news is good news.

And he intended on sticking to his guns and avoided the exhaustion of his current situation. Miroku cited his less invasive approach to be the best way to go, and he allowed himself to agree with the man for once.

As the days went by, he'd only heard from Kikyo once. She'd called to say she loved him and did what she always did, and a few days from now he'd see her and she'd be strung out.

She'd expect him to come over, make love to her, spend the weekend doing nothing and then repeating the cycle all over again. More than likely, she was at her mother's house.

But he wouldn't ask.

He refused to contact Kagome, even though he knew he'd hear from her eventually. And when he did, he knew he'd be at her house having dinner and talking about bullshit.

In fact, a day later he received the invitation to come and pick up Kikyo's things as an excuse. And he knew it was. It was all she could think of that had validity and he admired her for trying.

When arrived, he'd been overly nervous. He'd picked and prodded his brain for what not to say or do, or mention, or what would happen if he looked at her the wrong way. Yet, as he stood on that doorstep waiting for Kagome to come bounding down the stairs, he was rattled.

He blamed it on the cold evening air, and the wind for the reason his skin was bursting with blotchy spots of redness.

He was a grown man, after all. Crushes were for boys and for teenage girls. They weren't for somewhat well adjusted men in their thirties. He coached himself on this.

Yet, when the door parted and Kagome saw him, he lowered his head. "You don't have to act so wounded every time you come over here. I made you a bowl of udon." She said, gesturing with her head.

Her hair was down, long enough to hang about her waist and spill over her gray sweater.

"I don't act like I'm wounded. Don't flatter yourself. I don't need you to take care of me." Inuyasha said a little more brash than he intended.

Kagome rolled her eyes, "Well, that's what I do." She clicked her tongue while she thought, trying to stay focused on anything but the immediate tension in the room. "You know that it's hard taking care of people and it's just nice to be taken care of sometimes."

Inuyasha outwardly blushed as he slipped off his coat and watched her fiddle with a bowl of rice she'd made for herself. He eyed her inconspicuously for a moment, "Was that entirely necessary?"

"Is it necessary for you to actually eat something other than ramen or toast?" Kagome responded, plopping down in the chair in front of his.

"Let's just get this out of the way," She began, her vibrant eyes boring holes through the man. "Kikyo left some of her clothes when she went to Mama's. And she made it very clear that she didn't want me to bring them to her when she called because she thinks that I am this awful person that's judging her."

Inuyasha was offput by the indifference in her voice, but reminded himself how often Kagome actually had to deal with the situation and let it be. Dredging up bad memories while you're in one doesn't exactly set the proper tone for a decent evening, does it?

"I'll take them to her." Inuyasha sighed, feeling the heaviness in the room begin to engulf him. "I don't know if I can help her anymore."

Kagome sat her bowl down and shook her head, "You can't. She has to help herself. She has to want it." She smiled softly, "But Mama doesn't put up with our shit, so..." she shrugged her small shoulders, "...I think she's fine for now."

For the first time in months he'd felt genuine relief. It was like finally being able to breathe after being submerged. He'd forgotten what that felt like, and he relished the freedom of it as they ate dinner.

To be honest, it was the only real meal he'd eaten in days. In between working at the factory and teaching a kendo class at the recreation center, which he did once a week, he had very little time to make himself a home cooked meal.

Kagome snuck small glimpses of him when he wasn't looking and smiled to herself at how uncouth he could be while eating. He was such a peculiar person, between his attitude and the war he had with his mannerisms.

He was a hodgepodge of insecurity and she noticed quite readily, much like how he could read her. The girl tapped her fingers on the table idly, lackadaisically musing for a moment or two.

Inuyasha cleared his throat, "So, are you doing anything else tonight or-" He gestured loosely, staring past the woman versus staring directly at her. He didn't want to see her expressions, or the way her mouth was twisting beneath her teeth.

Kagome nervously chewed at her lip, "No. I don't have work until Sunday. I worked twelve on, so I'm reaping the rewards of a four day interval." She said, "Sango has been in and out all day, and I don't know when she'll actually be home."

Inuyasha feigned interest in her roommates juxtaposition and fumbled through his pockets for a crushed pack of Marlboro's. "You mind if I hang around a while? I don't really feel like sitting at home alone. I don't know if I'm ready to see Kikyo or your mother, for that matter. I need to mentally prepare myself."

Kagome waved, "That's fine. You can make yourself at home," she paused as she stood to clear the table, "unless you're smoking and you ought to take that outside."

The man grinned with a cigarette between his teeth, "Just like at home." He said crudely, excusing himself for a moment.

Inuyasha had honestly only wanted to be alone to shake his unease and stare at the golds and reds that smeared across the skyline. He felt as though he were caught in a fog, a hazy one at that. The euphoria of the numbness he felt, and the guilt in his stomach rivaled what Kikyo had felt in that bathroom, he glowered.

Yet, they had their own vices and Kagome's company happened to be his. Maybe he did like her, maybe he liked the way she made him feel.

One thing he did know, as he smashed out his smoke, was that the girl enjoyed fixing people. She was a nurse, but more so than that.

As he went inside, he watched her simply doing dishes and her normal routine. She prepared the living room, vacuumed, turning on a crappy television show that had more commercials than actual content.

It was so boring to think about, but the simple fact that she, Kagome, was just existing was what made it seem enjoyable.

She sat away from him, eyes fixated on the phone in her hand as she played a game while she talked about her favorite color patterns and her thoughts on the galaxy itself.

Inuyasha thought about when he had first met her, shortly after he and Kikyo had started dating. She was thinner, fresh out of high school and starting university.

She was a firecracker. She wasn't held down by anyone by her own choice, and painted these extravagant pictures of what her life would be like with these imaginative words.

The girl had traveled a few places, taken care of her ailing father - which drove her to the medical field. And she mended wounds on his body in the basement of her mother's house and made sure Kikyo ate enough and would see the next morning.

She was magnificent as she asked questions about his favorite colors, his favorite songs, the meaning of his existence...

It all seemed to juvenile, like things teenagers did when they were alone and their hormones were wrought with lustful wanton.

They were closer than he'd like to admit, and as he held his head in his hand as he propped on the couch, he smiled.

It hurt.

It hurt how badly and how long that grin perched on his face. She had somehow inched closer, and he noticed the proximity immediately.

He knew she hadn't noticed it yet, she was too excited over some bullshit actress she loved. For a moment he let her be, and he fought the urge to grab her and pull her closer.

His hands were knotted in his lap by that point, and his eyes vacantly stared at a clock flickering beneath her television. It was late. He needed to go home. He needed to grab Kikyo's things and go, but he couldn't.

Her expressive eyes met his briefly, as she followed his sights to the time. A small frown dotted her features and she sighed. "I guess you'll probably be leaving soon, huh?" She asked quietly, rubbing her eye with a tiny balled up fist.

Inuyasha nodded, licking his lips. Before he could say anything, the girl shrugged and looked at him with almost pleading eyes. Her hand rested an inch from his leg, and he held himself as still as possible to avoid any remote chance of contact.

"Do you want to just stay here? I can get you some blankets or you can stay in the spare room. It's really small, but it doesn't matter to me." She pushed herself to her feet as the low hum of the television tried to cut the tension. "You don't have to, but it'd save you the hassle."

Inuyasha held his breath. He knew what he should have done. But in his shamelessly self aware fashion, he accepted the offer and felt like a boulder had pummeled him.

It was the first time he'd stayed.

He looked through his phone for a moment with no sign of Kikyo trying to contact him and he steeled himself. She was always in the back of his mind, but it felt like she was becoming harder and harder to reach.

And nothing exceptional happened afterward. They visited with Sango before she retired with Kagome, knowing full well that he was the topic of conversation.

He'd gone to bed downstairs on the couch in a respectable manner, and left her alone for the rest of the night. That first night left a lot of things unsaid. She'd passively hugged him goodnight, and left him in a heap of patterned blankets and matching pillows to fend for himself.

As he laid there, awkwardly tossing and turning, his phone softly buzzed and he sighed. In the darkness, the screen illuminated against squinting eyes as he read through a message from Kikyo. He fell slack and sighed softly, flexing his fingers as though he would respond, yet he didn't.

He stared at her words emptily and sat the phone down.

This became the first night of many that he stayed at Kagome's apartment. It felt like the weight of the world had been lifted when he was there, merely by pressing his face into the plush couch cushions.

They smelled nice. They smelled warm, and inviting, much like the girl that owned them.

But on this night, that familiar wave of guilt besieged him until he'd fallen asleep. And upon awaking, he'd slipped out undetected with Kikyo's bag of clothing.

Ultimately, he'd gone home and cleaned himself up knowing full well he'd have to see her. He'd have to go to their mother's house and relinquish her treasures as though it were a tedious quest.

And on that crammed train ride across the city, he readied himself for the medium sized shrine house on the hill as it came into view.

When the winding flagstone stairs ended, he found Kikyo's familiar frame laid across the stoop of the house. She was wearing a thick, cream bathrobe and held a cigarette in between her fingers. She fiddled with her phone on one hand as her feet patterned within the confines of her slippers.

"Good morning." The woman said, her eyes never leaving her phone. "I see Kagome told you to bring me my stuff."

Inuyasha heaved a sigh, sitting the pink bag next to the woman's feet. "You shouldn't take it out on her because she cares about you."

Kikyo scoffed, smiling incredulously. "Oh, Inuyasha, please tell me more about my relationship with Kagome. Or better yet, your relationship with Kagome."

Inuyasha furrowed his brows, feeling the agitation building in his stomach. "Why do you think that I have a relationship with her?" He asked poignantly. His eyes perplexed as they stared at her pale face.

Kikyo took a drag. "If I was clean do you think you'd had the chance to really get to know her?"

"How am I supposed to respond to that when you know if you were clean that we would be married, that we would have children." He said, emotion running rampant in his raspy voice.

This was the part that he hated.

He never knew quite how to handle her downswings when she was sober. She blurred the lines between her addiction and a reality that she had made for herself. It killed him to watch her stray so far from her very core.

"No. That wouldn't happen." She flicked her cigarette and crossed her arms. "You know that even if I was sober, if I was okay, that I wouldn't be what you truly wanted." Tears formed in the ducts of her eyes as she gently brushed them away, staring at the dead garden in front of her.

Inuyasha shook his head and knelt beside her, brushing his hands through his long hair. "Please think about this. If you could try to get better for you, so many things would get better."

Kikyo smiled weakly, reaching for the door handle behind her as she hoisted herself to her feet. She left the bag behind, "I think that we need to not see each other until this is figured out. If I can do this..." she breathed, not daring to look at the broken expression on the man's face, "If I can do this, promise me that you'll give it another shot."

Inuyasha's heart fell. The chilly morning air quelled the sting and sucked all the warmth from his body as he watched the woman slam the door behind her.

He couldn't tell her all of the things he'd wanted. He didn't get to hold her one last time, kiss her, feel her body under his.

Standing there, he felt a myriad of emotions. The agony of losing someone he loved, worry, failure, guilt, relief.

He had always imagined he would have been the one to end it. He would have had his pride, his own choice of the finality of their relationship. As he walked away from the less than catastrophic aftermath, why did he feel so betrayed?

She didn't do anything wrong, aside from having a problem. "And that problem lead to twenty other ones." He said to himself as he punched the street sign at the bottom of the shrine steps.

He hissed at the recoil and the snapping sound that ricocheted in his bones. Blood seeped from his knuckles and he winced, closing his eyes tightly.

A few passersby curiously watched the man cradling his hand as he fumbled for his phone. One younger man, probably in his early twenties, stopped to help but Inuyasha feigned a smile and said he would be fine.

He refused to call and ambulance for a fractured hand, and he grunted at the idea of having to go to the hospital for a splint or X-rays or anything else that they might do to him. He'd been through enough for the day, and hunkered down a few blocks away on a bench.

The bleeding had stopped, but coagulated on his hair and on his dark jeans. He wiped his face with his clean hand and lolled his head in dismay.

Reaching for his phone, he sighed dejectedly and stared at the first person's number and closed his eyes as he called.

She'd fix him. She was good at that. It was extremely selfish to ask that of her. Though, as he heard the grogginess in her voice, he knew deep down that he wouldn't have to suck up his pride and ask.

Kagome would do it anyway. That was just who she was. And he felt like he was the catalyst to a never ending spiral of injustices to her.

Even though he couldn't help himself, the fact that there was someone who could made this final blow seem more manageable.

After sitting in the cold of the hospital, that he swore he wouldn't end up in, he flexed his fingers gingerly as to not disrupt the flow of a tributary made of stitches.

Kagome had pulled his hair back in a ponytail, waiting for him while she bounced a glossy magazine on her knees. The man that had done the job was a younger intern named Hojo, who beamed at the sight of his coworker.

His dark eyes and sweet mannerisms were so gentle, so methodical as he'd worked diligently on closing the wounds on Inuyasha's hands. His eyes strayed to Kagome a few times, and the man wondered if that boy was the one she had gone on those dates with.

He made jokes, bad ones, but seemed very enthusiastic about meeting the Inuyasha he'd heard so much about. He'd prayed over and over in silence that the entire endeavor would be over after waiting for half the day.

When it was done, they'd gone over aftercare, his checkup schedule, and this that and the other. Kagome never made him feel bad about the incident, though he didn't exactly tell the truth either.

As they were leaving, Kagome double checked his hand and piqued an eyebrow just to be sure it was done correctly. With her approval, she escorted him through the golden maze of elevators until they reached the bottom floor.

Her hair was a mess and her clothes were thrown on in haste, and he could tell by the tired circles under her eyes that she hadn't slept well. "I'm going to go back home," she said with a yawn. "If you need me just come by or call."

Truth be told, he didn't want to go home. He didn't want to be alone in his apartment waiting for Miroku to come home and give him a list of reasons why this was a terrible thing he'd done.

He wanted peace, or semblance of it and cleared his throat as he looked at the dead leaves bristling across the pavement. "Can I just stay with you today?"

The man's voice wavered, as he clenched his muscles as though he wanted to keep the words in where they belonged.

Kagome furrowed her brows, and brushed her bangs from her eyes. "I mean, that's fine, but are you sure? I'm not doing anything entertaining. I don't think I have the energy." She said, mildly caught off guard as her boots clacked on the sidewalk to the bus stop nearby.

Inuyasha nodded weakly against his coat collar and watched the sun lazily stream onto the girl. "I think it's honestly for the best, if you don't mind."

Kagome smiled crookedly, scrunching her nose until the fine line of freckles that dotted the bridge were nowhere to be found. "You've been hanging around a lot lately."

Inuyasha felt his cheeks darken, "Keh, it's better than sitting home alone. Your house is nicer than mine." He said, scoffing as he followed her onto an empty bus.

They sat in silence as they zipped through the city streets, waiting for the traffic to inevitably slow them down. Rush hour was coming, when all of those waves of people would flood the intersections and Kagome bolted off the bus as it pulled to a stop near her district and looked back to find Inuyasha following slowly.

His strides were twice that of hers and he made it safely to the ground where she was waiting. Slowly, people began trickling in, loosening the nooses of their ties as they flooded the streets in throngs.

The girl looked up at him and to his hand, the good one, and latched on loosely as his skin ignited. He looked down and wanted to protest but felt her pulling, "Come on. I don't want to lose you. We're almost to my house." She said, leading the way.

He was careful not to hit his wrapped hand on anyone, holding it close to his body as the evening brewed heat off the pavement and from the bodies around them.

Inuyasha fixated on the woman's warm hand, clenching and unclenching his as they waltz to the other side of the street. He didn't know if she'd thought anything of it, because it seemed so indifferent.

But to him, he felt special for a moment as she guided him down the hill to where her apartment was. Her hand found its way further into his, and he held it lightly as the tips thawed from the chill in the air.

Occasionally, he'd looked down and saw how tiny her hands were in comparison to his and how they suited her. Everything about her was diminutive.

She wasn't tall and lanky like Kikyo. She was shorter, healthy looking, and petite.

She'd taken after their mother, whereas her sister had taken after their late father's side. She'd also garnered her personality from him, also. That stoic facade was a learned art.

Whereas, the wildness of Kagome was a deconstruction of that art.

He didn't seem so nervous as they made it to the small little alley, or when they burst into her house. That was when she'd finally let go of his hand so that she could undress and peel off her coat and extra sweater.

His gaze interlocked with the way her body moved and the swiftness of her motions. He lacked the same grace as he struggled to shuck his coat off. He didn't want to ask her for help, but she noticed and walked behind him.

Her hands helped slip the leather from his body and ease it over his right hand. He couldn't pinpoint the exact feelings he had. That confusion was something he was direly familiar with.

"It's never going to heal if you don't ask for help." Kagome said, folding the jacket along the backside of her recliner. "When you shower, make sure you don't soak it. Of course, remember to clean it like the doctor told you but don't let it sit in water or it won't heal properly."

"I know, I heard." Inuyasha responded, finding his way around the house. It was quaint, very her. "So, why do you collect all of these figurines and toys?" He asked, eyes fixated on a large breasted Gashapon.

Kagome shrugged her slim shoulders beneath the confines of a large, thin sweater. "Everyone has their vices, that just happens to be mine. Plastic can't exactly hurt me, but they're just cute and I love them. They make me seem more interesting anyway."

"I collect dead things." Inuyasha smirked, "I like animal bones and bugs and taxidermy." His eyes fell to the red rug on the floor and he blew his bangs from his eyes. "Kikyo actually bought me several pieces when she'd gone on one of her trips. She never cared for it, but she enabled my habits."

Kagome walked into the kitchen to make tea and pull leftovers from the fridge, "I get that. It's not necessarily the most water-cooler type of hobby to have, but I have a few things like that in my room."

"Is that so? I didn't take you for the type." Inuyasha said, finding himself a bit surprised as he watched her fumble in the cabinets that were much too high for her.

Walking over, he stood above her and pulled down the porcelain cup she was trying to desperately to reach. "You seem like you'd only have doilies and like, grandma bullshit." He teased.

Kagome slid off the tips of her toes and pointed a finger at him. "I do have a lot of grandma bullshit but my weirdness seems to embed itself where most people can't see it, and I'm perfectly fine with that."

Pouring herself some tea, she smiled to herself. "Besides, it helps me focus on something other than what goes on in my life and I'm happy with that. I think everyone needs a little escapism as long as it isn't detrimental to their health or anyone else."

Inuyasha nodded vacantly. The parallel was very blantant. He knew what she was talking about and it dredged up the hurt from the morning. He'd tried his best to block it out, but looking at his hand, he knew that he had a physical momento to carry with him.

"Well, I feel like the hospital is my only escape." He said, leaning his back against the sink. "I have to be honest with you," He inhaled so sharply that he gasped and closed his eyes. "Kikyo left me when I went to see her. She didn't give me much of a chance to say or do anything. All I wanted was to help her."

Kagome's smile vanished and she crossed her arms over her chest. Sympathy ran rampant on her face and he abhorred that look. She felt sorry for him and he knew it. He didn't know if it was for the same reasons that he felt sorry for himself, or Kikyo, but it was injurious.

"I'm sorry, Inuyasha." The girl cooed, "I didn't know she was going to take it out on you."

Inuyasha shrugged, "She needs help and if she can get it with your mom, and gets the steps in check, I think she can do it. I feel responsible for her and I just can't keep blaming myself for what's going on with her even though I do."

Kagome nudged her head towards the couch, and he followed her. They sat on opposite sides, and she propped her head up with her handle. "The thing is, we both know that she feels like her purpose in life is so much greater than it actually is. She does this to fill voids that she doesn't really have, and her martyr complex doesn't help her." She said as lovingly as one could, "I know that sounds harsh, but she sees herself as this invincible thing and she's not. She doesn't mean to hurt anyone, but she does because she hurts herself."

Inuyasha sighed, resting his tired head on the cushions as he listened.

"First it was prescription medication, then alcohol, then cocaine..." Kagome huffed in frustration. "When you came along she cleaned up, did right for so long, then her demons came back and dragged her to hell and back. She needs to focus on herself."

"I know that." He spat, almost as though he were insulted. He knew he wasn't or that she wasn't insulting Kikyo. "I just wanted to try and save her. I don't even feel bad that she left me. I just feel like I still need to do something to make sure she's okay."

"Mama is making her get help." Kagome said bleakly. "Whether or not it works is up to Kikyo and she is a strong person and I think that if she needs support we should give it to her, but I have to do it from a distance."

"I always slip into a pattern with her," the man said, eyes falling to meet Kagome's as he indulged in the warmth of the room. "I go to her when she needs me and then she spits me out somewhere new, where I don't have a clue as to where I am or where to go."

Kagome chewed at her lip, staring at the worry hanging on Inuyasha's face. He looked exhausted, worried, and oddly beautiful in the dying daylight that poured through the window. "Well, if it's any consolation, this time you're not alone." She said in nothing more than whisper.

Inuyasha didn't say anything, he merely sat transfixed on the girl. He didn't know how she'd meant that, but her hand connected their two bodies with a gently squeeze on his knee. It was over as quickly as it began, and he swallowed hard.

"Thanks, I guess." He rasped, watching the girl recoil and look towards the floor. Her features were strained. "What's wrong?"

Kagome shook her head and licked her lips, "Did Kikyo say anything about me when you saw her?"

He could lie. But this time he couldn't bring himself to do it and closed his eyes, "She wanted to know what was going on with you and me." He gestured between the two of them.

Kagome looked at him slackjawed. Anger seemed to tear through her small body as she leaned onto her knees to face him, hand braced against the back of the couch. "I am so tired of her doing that to me! She always makes shitty comments about me and you. I'm sorry that I care about you and don't want to see you fucking miserable, nor do I want her to be miserable!" She said loudly, her eyes voracious with upset. She wasn't going to cry, but her cheeks were flush and her heart pounded. "I've watched you for the past year and every time I've seen you, I've asked about you because I didn't want you to waste away into nothing taking care of her. Someone needed to help you."

Inuyasha looked at her with an expression she couldn't place. "You don't have to take care of me, Kagome." He said more calmly than he imagined he would.

"Then why the hell are you here?" She asked, eyes searching his for an answer.

The man opened his mouth to speak, but he couldn't force the words out. He fidgeted for a moment and turned away from the girl. "I-" he sighed, "I don't know.


End file.
